November 3, 2021 § 2 Comments
GLASGOW—The 2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference, known as COP26, got off to a bang Sunday night with a highly anticipated keynote speech delivered by youth climate activist and Swiss truant Greta Thunberg.
The address included forty-seven minutes of angry staring, a series of Swedish obscene hand gestures, and culminated in a surprise conflagration that enveloped the podium and might have evoked images of our planet devolving into a ball of fiery ruin fueled by greed and complacency, if anyone actually cared about that stuff.
Her return to the dais was greeted with rave reviews.
“Oh my God that was so moving!” enthused Cardinal Pinocolosi from the State of Vatican City. “That part where she tore actual hair from her head?- It’s almost like she can sense that we are co-opting her image while ignoring her message. Brava!”
“Seeing Greta perform is always my favorite part of every climate conference,” extolled U.S. President Joe Biden. “I also look forward to seeing her as Kirsten in the next American Girl movie.”
Representatives for French President Emmanuel Macron explained that he unfortunately missed Thunberg’s address due to a pre-scheduled meeting with Exxon, BP and a large herd of methane-producing cows.
Nevertheless, Macron mused: “I mean, it really makes you wonder: what if children really were the future?” taking a long drag from his cigarette. “What would that be like?”
Sir David Attenborough, who was also in attendance, was observed to be quite old.
Another surprise for this year’s conference was the availability of fan merchandise. Dignitaries from as far away as Nigeria and Columbia vied to snag a piece of Thunberg’s new clothing line: “You Are Hypocritical Suck-Wads Who Have Destroyed the Dreams of Your Children.” The line of ball caps and tee shirts are designed to be deeply uncomfortable and are emblazoned with snappy slogans such as “I enjoy killing polar bears” and “At COP26 I could have saved the planet but instead all I did was buy this crappy t-shirt.”
All Thunberg gear is reportedly made from sustainable fava bean fibers which promise to disintegrate shortly before the planet enters the new ice age, rendering all human endeavor pointless.
Inexplicably, Thunberg seemed irritated at the enthusiasm of the crowd.
“That’s it.” Thunberg declared after her standing ovation, declining to appear for an encore. “I didn’t want to have to do this, but clearly nothing else is going to get through to these world leaders. Next conference I’m bringing my environmental puppet show,” adding, “And by environmental puppet show, I mean giant, laser-equipped spiders.”
The comment went unremarked upon as event attendees were already adjourning to the foyer, where they enjoyed canapes and several intense rounds of patting each other on the back. As for Thunberg’s podium stunt, there seemed to be a general agreement among the assembled dignitaries to ignore the matter for the remainder of the conference. Reports are that it continues to burn.