What Rhymes With Chocolate?

June 12, 2014 § 7 Comments

photo 5Can we talk about chocolate? First of all I’ve discovered that, apparently nothing rhymes with it. According to the unerring wisdom of the Internet, it rhymes with charming words like “slut,” “butt,” “gut” and “mutt.” This is probably why we don’t see any chocolate candy bars with cute rhyming names because they’d have to be something like: “Glutbutt’s Chocolate Nutty Sluts”!

But we all know chocolate doesn’t really rhyme with “nut,” because if it did we’d pronounce it “choc-LUT,” as opposed to “choc-LET.” (My computer goes on to insist that chocolate also rhymes with blanket, beechnut, carrot and zealot. My computer is, apparently, a moron.)

It seems nothing really rhymes with chocolate. Likewise, nothing really can take its place. During our Year of No Sugar I found lots of sugar replacement strategies that worked great, or at least pretty well. I managed to make banana ice cream, shortbread, brownies and coconut cake all of which passed effortlessly for sugar-containing (read: fructose-containing) treats.

But not chocolate. Chocolate, we came to realize during that sugar-free year, was the one thing we simply could not have, or even approximate.

Now, this isn’t to say there aren’t plenty of “Sugar Free,” chocolates on the market to choose from, but in the marketplace “Sugar Free” usually means traditional sugar has been replaced with one of two things:

  1. fake sugars (Aspartame, Neotame, Saccharin, Sucralose which are marketed as Nutrasweet, Equal, Sweet n’ Low, Splenda)
  2. sugar alcohols (usually Maltitol but also Xylitol, Sorbitol, Isomalt etc.)

Because of reported possible side effects ranging anywhere from gastric distress to infertility and cancer, our family chose to away from both of these categories as well. So “Sugar Free” chocolate was also out.

Instead, we fed our inner chocolate lover with baked goods made with unsweetened cocoa. And those were good, often really quite good. But nothing ever came close to replicating the experience of a bite of actual, snap-when-you-bite, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate. Accordingly, at the end of our Year of No Sugar, when we all chose a special treat to have at midnight- what did I choose? A Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. Ahhhh- chocolate at last.

So you can imagine how intrigued I was to find out recently that some friends of ours have recently taken up the pastime of home-chocolate making. Immediately, I wanted to know: could they make chocolate with a non-fructose sweetener? Could one make chocolate with… dextrose??

Now I’ve been down this road before. Similar to chocolate, sugar has some unique, magical properties that can’t always be replicated. Not only does sugar sweeten, but it also preserves, it thickens, it fills, it transforms things from one state to another. Therefore, using an alternative ingredient in sugar’s place may meet one need of the recipe, but not another. Exhibit A: Dextrose Jelly. In my book, Year of No Sugar, I tell the story of how I tried to make Concord Grape Jelly using dextrose in place of sugar, but suffice it to say that (spoiler alert!) I ended up with quite a few jars of an only just passable grape sauce instead.

Nevertheless, in the case of chocolate, my friends Tom and Robin were game to try. So one day recently I arrived at their home armed with my beach-ball-sized, orange, plastic barrel o’ dextrose.

Let me just say right now: making your own chocolate is unbelievably complicated. It’s the kind of thing that’s so convoluted that half-way through you begin to wonder how on earth it ever got invented in the first place. It’s not the kind of thing I would do to relax in my free time at home, any more than I would choose to build a particle accelerator out of matchsticks and used chewing gum in my backyard. But nonetheless this is Tom’s hobby.

photo 1 photo 2Tom began by taking cacao beans he had already roasted and running them through a Champion juicer. Immediately, I was in out of my depth. Tom was talking about “volatiles” and “acetic acid” and “particles below 20 microns.” There was vocabulary, which being a word-person I can handle, but there was also lots of chemistry, which, being a word-person, makes me vaguely nauseous.

I tried to keep up. After grinding, the cacao bean “nibs” are separated from the husks via a complicated winnowing apparatus known as Tom’s hairdryer. Then back into the juicer they go, for a second grinding, which turns the nibs into a cocoa “liquor,” a rich-looking brown paste. The paste then gets ground by another specialized machine- a “melanger”- which refines all the grains down to a smooth consistency.

photo 5Then came an important moment- the step in which we would add the dextrose powder in place of sugar. But when we did, Tom was not pleased with whatever was happening in the melanger. He wondered aloud whether the mixture would “seize,” which definitely sounded like a bad thing, and made repeated frowning faces into the revolving mixer.

“It’s behaving very differently,” he said raising an eyebrow. “Well… we’ll see.”

“How does it taste?” Robin asked when he sampled some.

“Not very good,” he said matter-of-factly.

At this point I was quietly fearing for the life of the Dextrose Chocolate, who without warning was now under 24 hour surveillance in the chocolate ICU. Doctor Tom didn’t seem to like its chances for survival, and even if the patient survived, I wondered: what kind of quality of life could it possibly hope for as a chocolate that doesn’t taste good? And who does one contact to administer last rites to a blob of cocoa paste?

It would be awhile before we found out the answers to these questions: the melanging step lasts hours– I came back the next day for the final steps, which included “tempering” the now super-smooth paste by heating it in the microwave to exactly 120 degrees. Once the correct temperature is reached, you quickly reduce the temperature to 81 degrees. This is accomplished by spreading some of the paste on a marble slab and working it back and forth with a spackle thingy. (That’s a technical term.)

photo 1Patiently, Tom smoothed the chocolatey blob back and forth like the world’s most delicious wall plaster until he could tell from experience it was ready to “seed” the rest of the batch. Tom was talking about the four different types of butterfat crystals and the fact that the time-length for heating is not linear because of the changing crystal structure. He also said, and I quote, that “chocolate is a non-Newtonian liquid.” If you figure out what this means, please do not tell me.

Then back to the microwave! Are you with me? Now that the correct chemical whatzit had been reached we wanted to reliquify our chocolate to allow for spreading it into the bar molds. After this was accomplished, Tom checked carefully for evidence of any “bloom” which would’ve required the tempering process be done all over again. Incidentally, this is the point at which many chocolate makers kill themselves.

So do you want the good news or the great news? The good news is that the chocolate worked– the consistency was right, the liquid turned into actual, snap-able bars, tempered properly with no bloom and everything. The better news? It’s not only good- it tastes like… chocolate! Real chocolate! After licking one of the spoons used to portion the bars, Greta was fully prepared to arm-wrestle Robin for dibs on the spatula. It was very dark, yes, less sweet, yes. But no weird aftertaste, no “gastric distress.” There’s no fructose in sight and yet- it is nonetheless, undeniably real chocolate.

Who would’ve guessed that chocolate might rhyme with… dextrose? I mean, besides my computer.

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§ 7 Responses to What Rhymes With Chocolate?

  • David Ogden says:

    Thanks for the blow-by-blow description. I was hanging onto the edge of my chair right up to the thrilling conclusion. I have but two questions. (1) Has anyone checked to see if the term Vermont Chocolate is trademarked? (2) Do you know who is responsible for purchasing chocolate products at Whole Foods?

  • Melanie says:

    That is fabulous! Where will we be able to buy some? 🙂

  • karencheah says:

    I was looking to read the book “That Sugar Book” but found yours instead and it has been a very interesting read and your journey was amazing (brave!). Thanks for first taking the plunge and then sharing your experience. It is now so clear why sugar is so bad for your health. Anyway, coming back to this, I wanted to ask about preserving food, specifically jam making that I read in the book. Since I couldn’t find a post about jam, chocolate would have the be the closest!

    I am not a big fan of sweet food but I make a lot of preserves from the fruits in my home garden and as you already know, there is a lot of sugar involved in jam making! I am curious to know if you have found a solution for sugar free jam? I have read that dextrose works but it will cause the jam to crystallise. Probably doesn’t matter but would love to hear your experience all the same. Thanks!

    • I’m thinking a LOT about canning these days- its that time of year when all the apples and peaches and grapes are coming in practically simultaneously and I am scrambling to use them all! Sadly, my feeling remains pretty much as it was in the book: when it comes to reducing sugar in canning I have yet to find a terrific solution. I had limited success using Pomona pectin which, unlike regular supermarket pectin truly has NO added sugar, and is activated with calcium rather than sugar. It is possible to make your jam using this and no sweetener at all, although Pomona’s instructions don’t recommend it. Once I tried it I saw why: the jam came out bland and tasteless. Why is this? I wondered. The fruit is so sweet by itself, and yet when we make jam with it, it seems to lose that flavor…? Grr. So for now I content myself with making Low Sugar Jam and Jelly (which is still a LOT of sugar as you know) and using it ever so sparingly- on things like plain yogurt. (For toast I prefer to use soft cheese- the high fat keeps me full till lunch!)

      Thanks so much for this great question!

  • karencheah says:

    Thanks, Eve! Appreciate your insight. I have since tried using seaweed (agar) powder in reduced sugar jam/jelly with varying degrees of success. Still need more trials but I thought it’s worth mentioning here so someone else can also try.

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