All posts by Eve Ogden Schaub

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About Eve Ogden Schaub

Serial memoirist Eve O. Schaub lives with her family in Vermont and enjoys performing experiments on them so she can write about it. Author of Year of No Sugar (2014) and Year of No Clutter (2017) and most recently Year of No GARBAGE (2023). Find her on Twitter @Eveschaub IG or eveschaub.com.

Ambushed by Wallace Nutting

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oneinathousandlogoE.O. Schaub

 

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but they’re digging a culvert on East Wells Road today. Yup. So, as the nice man with the mustache and orange vest will tell you, what’cher going to have to do is take Saw Mill to Lamb Hill. That’ll take you right around it.

 

Lamb-Hill-Road
Lamb Hill Road

What the nice man with the mustache and the orange vest won’t tell you is how you think you know a place after living there for twelve years, but you don’t. Right when you least expect it- he will neglect to tell you- an unexpected detour can change your whole outlook on things.

 

Acquaintances who live elsewhere will periodically ask us if one ever gets tired of the Vermont landscape; if, like any house with an especially scenic, or bucolic, or just downright breathtaking view- of the Jersey shore, of the Eiffel Tower, of the polar ice caps- one eventually grows so accustomed to that prized, pricey, location-location-location view that it ceases to enchant, and becomes, for all intents and purposes, invisible. It seems to me, sometimes, as if these folks are trying to justify why living in Vermont is nice and all, but, you know, not really worth the trouble and expense. Continue reading Ambushed by Wallace Nutting →

Adventures in Catsitting

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oneinathousandlogoE.O. Schaub

 

Pop quiz! How do you know when you’re at the end of a vacation?

 

When your suitcase:

a.) smells like it might walk itself to the laundry room

b.) contains coffee mugs from places with names like “Big Jim’s House of Taco-Flavored Pancakes”

c.) contains a humorous t-shirt that seemed much funnier when it didn’t belong to you

d.) along with its contents is being auctioned off in the alley next to the Best Western

 

Cats-and-Pooh
My cats: trying not to develop a complex

Okay! That was an easy one. Here’s one that is much more nuanced: How do you know when you’re at the end of a relationship with your catsitter?

 

When you come home from a leisurely twelve-hour drive which involved crayon fights and championship whining to find:

a.) a trail of blood droplets leading from the garage to the kitchen

b.) a weird, distinctive, um… smell in your living room

c.) the furniture rearranged

d.) a weird, distinctive, um… guy in your living room (note: he will be the one eating your frozen dinner entree and drinking your beer)

 

Over the long course of my history of feline companionship I have personally arrived home to each of these scenarios in turn; I can therefore assure you with great confidence that each one is a very, very good indicator that the relationship you previously enjoyed with your catsitter is now… how shall I say it?… kaput. The responsible person in whose capable hands you left the care of your furry family members, not to mention every worldly possession you own, has suddenly morphed into someone you might not entrust with the care of your dead ficus plant. Continue reading Adventures in Catsitting →

27 Things I Never Knew Before Moving to Vermont

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E.O. Schaub

  1. How to plunge a toilet (really)

  2. What mouse droppings look like

  3. What a mouse nest looks like

  4. How m-u-u-u-u-u-ch I dislike mice (Remember Harrison Ford’s reaction to snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Like that… but worse.)

  5. How to dispose of a dead mouse without suffering post-traumatic stress

  6. That real egg yolks don’t actually look and taste like styrofoam

  7. That a cow would actually make a really bad pet

  8. How to correctly pronounce “Mother Myrick’s” (even though it still sounds wrong) and what’s really in a Lemon Lulu

  9. How much I like just staying home and watching the bird feeder and gardening

  10. That birds are actually pretty cool

  11. That gardening is actually pretty hard

  12. How to make jam

  13. What the BEST thing in the world is: a hot cider doughnut

  14. What the most disappointing thing in the world is: a cold cider doughnut

  15. That showing up for the 5PM church supper at 4:50 means you’re late, (everybody knows it really starts at 4:30)

  16. That you can’t really say a polite hello in fewer than twenty minutes. Continue reading 27 Things I Never Knew Before Moving to Vermont →