E.O. Schaub

Hello folks, hi there, how’re you doing today.

I’d just like to take a moment to introduce myself. I’m the father of the baby who’ll be in the front row of the aircraft screaming for the majority of the flight today, so if you have any questions, comments, or unsolicited advice you’d like to offer, I’d be happy to take those from you at this time.

But before we begin, I’d also like to introduce my wife Lauren who is here next to me. For those of you in the back who do not have a clear view at this time, she’ll be the one with the liquid baby Tylenol in her hair and an entire strawberry breakfast bar stuck to her pantleg later on in the flight. If you happen to have brought your lunch with you onboard the aircraft today, please be aware that the baby’s mother’s diet today has consisted entirely of dehydrated apple squares, two Wintergreen Lifesavers, and one Ritz Bitz. Thank you, now let’s take some questions.

Yes, from the business traveler in the emergency exit row?

Yes, thank you, that’s a very good question. In fact, the baby does have gas today, as well as a runny nose, a sudden unexplained fever, and diaper rash. She’ll also be experiencing intense, piercing ear pain from about 30 seconds into the flight until sometime late tomorrow evening. Very good question.

Yes? Yes ma’am, there is always that possibility, so in the unlikely event of what we refer to as a “blow out” diaper, or other untoward emission, we are indeed prepared with twelve complete changes of clothing in our six combined carry-on bags.

We are asking for all passengers to have patience with the limited changing facilities on board the aircraft, and to please avoid any unpleasant odors in an orderly and courteous fashion, preferably after the fasten seatbelt signs have been turned completely off.

Ma’am? Yes, ma’am- the grandmotherly type in the back? Yes, indeed. That’s a very good point. It is very likely not a good day to fly today; no, we haven’t dressed the baby warmly enough, and in fact, it will be dark when we land, thus making it harder to find our way home.

It is also entirely possible that the aircraft will be hit by lightning, destroyed by a terrorist plot, or consumed by an enormous sun flare in a fiery burst of solar violence.

We definitely should have considered flying separately in order to ensure leaving someone to carry on the family name, and the airline is indeed very likely to have lost not only our gate-checked stroller en route to our final destination, but also our coats, luggage, port-a-crib, car seat, plastic folding highchair and baby bathtub with inflatable mobile.

And no, we did not bring enough snacks.

Yes, the grandmotherly type to the back on the right? Okay, for those who didn’t hear that, she’d like to know how soon we’ll be coming back.

Another good question. Probably sometime in the near future, but at the very latest sometime just after the baby’s completion of her doctoral thesis. Anyone else?

Okay, so thanks very much. Again, I’m the father of the screaming baby, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. For those of you taking the connecting flight from Chicago on to Albany, we’ll look forward to sharing the continuation of our in-flight infant experience with you for an additional 90 minutes.

We know you have a lot of choices when flying, and we appreciate that you’ll be flying with us today. Thank you, and have a great day.