Dear Mr. Disney CEO,
I want to be a Disney Princess someday but my friends tell me I can’t because I am a black, Jewish, lesbian with a speech impediment and links to al Quaeda. Is this true?
Lanelle in Larchmont
Although it is true that to date there is not yet an African American, a Judaic American, or a differently- abled, alternately sexually-preferenced, Terrorist-harboring American currently among the Disney Princesses, the process of creating and vetting new potential princesses is much more complicated than one might at first suspect, and one that is, in fact, going on all the time.
Just to give you an idea of what we in the Princess business are looking for, here are just a few examples of up-and-coming contenders for the coveted position of *Next Disney Princess!*:
Jaya the Hippie Princess- lives on the commune with her twenty-four evil stepmothers
Annabella the Fast Food Princess- who says a princess can’t be a size medium?
Eliana the Jewish American Princess- someday her prince should come, already?
But, what does it take to become a Disney Princess? Sure, drive, determination, and long, flowing tresses are important for any would-be princess, but it takes much more than just these things. Whether it’s a plump, grandmotherly fairy godmother, or three plump, grandmotherly fairy godmothers, its essential to have that oh-so specialicious, extrakadoodle somethingerother to set you apart from the pack.
Ask yourself: do I have a wicked family member who would like to do me in? (contrary to popular belief, evil stepmothers- while ideal- are not necessary. Wicked aunts, icky would-be suitors, and alcoholic second cousins are equally acceptable.) Do I have a propensity to talk to small animals, birds and/ or household appliances? (note: rodents are permissible only if they are adorable in cartoon form and can perform light sewing and/or housekeeping tasks. Please, no sidekicks that ooze.)
Physically- and contrary to popular opinion- princesses need not be remarkably thin-waisted, dewey-eyed and tiny of foot. However, in that these attributes are symbolic of a perfect, demure feminine disposition, it does help. A lot. If you are excessively scrawny, overly plump, have a prominent nose or unplucked eyebrow you are in grave danger of being mistaken for a villain or ancillary character. Try to surround yourself with those less attractive than you.
Additionally, not every Princess need have the sterling vocal chords of an opera star, a “Hannah Montana,” or even a “Courtney Love.” That being said, singing is a requisite and virtually indispensable part of the job; would-be princesses are advised to sing at every available opportunity. Why? It attracts bachelor royalty like ultrasonic dog whistle. Seriously. If, indeed, you find yourself bursting into song while gazing out over the wishing well/ crashing ocean/ compost heap- you may just have a Princess’ outlook after all.
So, you may be asking yourself, what about skills? Don’t worry- beyond having a plucky/ kind/ generous outlook, you won’t need any! Once you meet and marry Prince Right after a suitable but brief courtship- ten minutes is considered standard- your days will be filled with plucky/ kind/ generous tasks such as approving meringue sculptures and overseeing the polishing of the asparagus tongs. After all- as a Disney Princess you’ve achieved the quintessential purpose of your life: you’ve married the prince and escaped the clutches of your evil twin/ abusive electrician/ annoying ceramics teacher … what more is there to do but sing a song about how your life is over- I mean, complete?
So good luck Lanelle! With a little luck, determination, and maybe a full-body makeover, you too could become our *Next Disney Princess!* and have all your dreams come true!
Robert A. Iger
President and CEO
The Walt Disney Company
Please note: void where prohibited, some dreams may not apply.
* Next Disney Princess!* is a trademark of the Disney Corporation and may not be invoked without express written permission of Walt Disney himself, from beyond the grave. Violators will be drawn and quartered in the town square, followed by a breathtaking display of orchestrated fireworks.