Tag Archives: letters from vermont

The Real Christmas Letter

E.O. Schaub

Season’s Greetings family and friends! It’s hard to believe another year has already passed and I find myself sitting down to write yet another missive on the subject of all the Pfefernuse family has been up to in 2008.

As you can see from the enclosed photo, Sarabeth has grown into a fine young woman and continues to assert her independence as a Goth Hermaphrodite. Although she prefers the company of alley vermin to her own family, and has taken to sleeping in the attic under a tarp, it is with great pride that we report she has been nominated by the senior class for Most Piercings. Her post-graduation plans include continuing her life education as a part-time hostess for Pizza Hut, and not doing drugs very much at all.

Kevin, meanwhile, is growing by leaps and bounds, and in recent months has fully evolved into a state of adolescent awkwardness that is unprecedented in the history of eighth grade. His interests of late have included dissecting frogs (he’ll be all ready for biology next year!), ignoring his parents, and not having friends.

Although I know many of you found it difficult to understand why I felt compelled to return to my studies late last year at the ripe old age of 39, I am pleased to report that, with the enthusiastic support of my family, and after much toil and late night TV dinners, I am on track to receive my associates degree in underwater massage in late 2010.

Matthew is, as ever, disappointed with life and a drain on us all. He spends much of his time in the garage working crossword puzzles and mumbling incoherently.

Wishing you all the very best for a truly joyous and blessed New Year- The Pfefernuses

PS: The dog is dead.