Category Archives: One in a Thousand

Razzmatazz is the New Black

One in a Thousand, , ,

oneinathousandlogoE.O. Schaub

My friend told me the other day she needed a black dress for a funeral she is going to be in this summer.

 

No wait- wait… wedding, sorry, it’s a wedding she’s in. Right. So of course, she needs a black dress. To be in the wedding party. Of course. Will the bride wear black too, I wonder? How about the flower girls? Will the bouquets be black? How about the cake? Perhaps the guests could all throw black beans instead of rice.

 

And then at the reception they could all enjoy a nice aperitif of human blood and perform a ritual sacrifice. How festive.

 

Seriously, are Miss Manners and I the only ones who have a problem with this idea that black works with e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g? That it’s appropriate for every conceivable occasion from christenings to space shuttle launchings? Since when did the color of Darth Vader and Hell’s Angels jackets get to be our collective color of choice? Our default hue? The chicken with broccoli on the fashion menu of life? Heck- black is so devastatingly important to our sense of style that it is now THE COLOR against which all others are measured, as in: “Brown is the new black!” and “Pink is the new black!” And then guess what? That’s right: “Black is back!” And so on.

 

Personally, I have had it up to HERE with all the supposed truisms: choose black dear, black goes with everything you know! That’s what makes it so economical! And everyone looks good in it… plus it is so very slimming!

 

You know what black also does? It collects pet hair. It’s hot. It makes regular people look pale and pale people look nauseous. Look black up in the dictionary and you find words like: bleak, dim, dark, sinister, grim, mordant and opprobrious. Do you want to dress opprobriously? I didn’t think so. Continue reading Razzmatazz is the New Black →

A Glossary of Vermont Terms

One in a Thousand, , , ,

oneinathousandlogoE.O. Schaub

I’ve been compiling a list of definitions specific to the Vermont area which may come in handy to the novice Vermontian. If you are a “Vermonter” these will not be new to you. (And by “Vermonter” I mean, you were born in the state of Vermont. Also, your mother, father, grandparents, and ideally great-grandparents, were born in Vermont. It would be helpful too if your cousins, your spouse, your farm animals and pets were born in Vermont. Also, your houseplants must be native to Vermont, and ideally, you have at some point in your life been engaged in a heated debate over the merits of your favorite grade of maple syrup.)

However, if you are a “Flatlander,” that is, someone who had the great misfortune to be born in some other, icky state -and I can tell you are by the shape of your eyebrows- you may want to bone up on some of these essential terms.

(Please note, if you belong to neither of the above groups, we must assume you belong either to the category of the migrating, multi-pocketed “Second-Home Owner,” or perhaps the nocturnal, left-wing-ed “College Student,” —aka the “Snowboarding Dirt Smoker.” Or maybe you belong to that most transient of Vermont life forms, the “Tourist” —see also “Leaf-Peeper,” “Syrup-Sucker,” and “Snow-Hugger.” In these cases, the primary phenomenon that should interest you is Ben and Jerry’s “Free Cone Day.” This is a special annual holiday arranged by the Vermont legislature which should more than make up for those silly higher non-resident property taxes and tourism-targeted sales fees.) Continue reading A Glossary of Vermont Terms →

A Small Town Wish List

One in a Thousand, , ,

oneinathousandlogoE.O. Schaub

Author’s note: I must’ve been really, really good this year, because it seems like Santa has brought me the three things I’ve been wanting most since we moved to Pawlet twelve years ago…

Dear Santa,

I know I’ve been grown-up for some time now, but I’m hoping some of those years when I was too busy playing Ms. Pac Man to ask for anything more than quarters have left me a little lee-way in the what-I-want-for-Christmas department. I’m also very flexible- no December deadlines here!

All I really want this year are a few things for my town…(I promise to share!):

1. A REAL supermarket- You know, one worthy of the prefix. I’m not asking for one of those insane department-stores-for-food my city friends describe with names like Wild-Joe’s-Whole-Trader-Circus-Foods! You’ve probably been in one. They’re the places where you can sip fair-traded, gluten-free lattes in a PBA-free cup while you shop for your bulk, organic, eco-friendly, wheatgrass diaper liners (now in gender-neutral, self-esteem boosting shades!) after which you peruse the mood gum and cruelty-free nose-ring selection in the check out.

No. Just a place where I can buy produce that is better suited for eating than playing racquetball with. Continue reading A Small Town Wish List →