Now Accepting Applications

E.O. Schaub

WANTED: One Laundry Folder. Must be flexible, dependable, detail-oriented, and at least five. Knowledge of Euclidian Geometry and proper matching of socks a plus; must be exceptionally fond of pink. If you can distinguish between floral Gap underwear size “M”, and floral Gap underwear size “L”- this job may be for you. Please apply at laundry room, or as close as you can manage to get to it.

DESPERATELY SEEKING DISHWASHER: Do you enjoy dishpan hands? Chilblains? Mysterious soapy food particles? Looking for a highly-motivated self-starter with an endless supply of boring old free time. Hours will include, but are not limited to: weekdays, weeknights, weekends, holidays and Armageddon. Ideal hobbies and extracurricular interests might include grease removal, sponge maintenance and not retching. Resumes currently being accepted in the kitchen, next to the counter-puddle.

EARN EXTRA CASH! Coughing, sneezing, and blowing one’s nose are an important part of life, but if YOU have too many symptom-free days on your hands, consider the benefits of suffering our cough, cold and flu symptoms in your own home for extra $$$! No Experience Necessary- all you need is a nose and a dream! Call us at 1-800-BLESS-YOU.

STOPPER NEEDED. Are you a Staller? A Stymie-er? A Self-Stopper? Then we need you! Official obligations of this important position will include:

-Stopping anyone wishing to interrupt Mommy’s luxurious three-minute shower to show her a Lego sculpture / break up a fight about a Lego sculpture / extricate a Lego sculpture from a household appliance

-Stopping any and all unauthorized snack procurement/ snow eating/ public place clothing removal

-Stopping excessive whining, bickering and/or trumpet practice when Mommy/Daddy is on last remaining nerve of the day (also known as “But why do we have to play in the basement?” Time)

Please note! Obligations should not include:

-Stopping Mommy from throwing away toys so broken they now qualify as appropriate for jousting.

-Stopping Mommy from handing down clothes that are officially now fourteen sizes too small for you.

-Stopping Mommy from singing show tunes during dinner preparation. Sure, she’s terrible and only knows half the words to “Oklahoma!”… but do you want your noodle taco or not?

So come in to the kitchen and fill out an application today! Smark-alecks wearing earmuffs will not be considered.

4 thoughts on “Now Accepting Applications

  1. Eve you have a gift. There is a magazine or a newspaper column out there missing out on you. I nearly peed my pants reading this!!!


  2. Mandy- you made my day! Thank you. Please note I am forwarding your comment to the New Yorker. Also, I promise not to sing “Oklahoma!” ANYwhere near you, any time soon. Probably.

    1. Well, we do need a positive female role model to perform something at our banquet. I’m jotting your name down…

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