E.O. Schaub

Sure, kids say the darndest things. Then again, so do their parents. What follows is a list of things I have actually said to my children over the last 9+ years…

It is not polite to jump at the dinner table.
It is polite at the dinner table to keep your clothes on.
It’s not polite to put food in your nose.
Okay, you don’t pour milk in your hand, and then drink the milk out of your hand.
We don’t close the produce drawer by kicking it.
No using vegetable brushes in your hair.
No standing on your sister.
No sitting on your sister.
No coloring on your sister.
No squashing your sister.
No kicking Mommy in the face.
Don’t you PUT roast beef on my forehead!
It’s a little early in the morning to be upside-down.
No, you cannot have four kinds of cereal for breakfast.
No one puts any feet in the sink unless Mommy or Daddy is in the room.
No feet on the alarm clock.
We don’t wear shoes in bed.
We do not have to sleep with the oven mitt.
Don’t step on anybody’s face- no stepping on faces.
No strangling.
No torturing.
We do NOT spray each other with vinegar.
We cannot jump on musical instruments.
We don’t pick our nose with the book but we DO flush the toilet.
I want everyone to stop throwing underwear at each other!
Do not spit food under the table!
No drawing on each other!
NO BOTTOM KISSING!
We don’t eat out of the dishwasher!
You are not supposed to crayon on the car!

And of course, my own, all-time personal favorite:

Yes, eating your napkin is bad manners.